Cheryl Wolverton's Critique of Kaas Baichtal's Sime~Gen Novel, Undertow Chapter 2

Excerpts from the chapter are in black text. Cheryl's comments are in green. Kaas' responses are in red.

U N D E R T O W
2 - The Initiation

loved this chapter...it was a bit choppy starting out...which isn't uncommon..you have so many characters you don't know it's hard to give them all characterezation...

then also, the other main problem was details...feelings and details...we didn't get enough...think this way...slower scenes you want to reeeeeeeally drag out details...show the action/reaction (you'll see an example when sorel presents herself) and feelings when she is being touched etc...

your short fast scenes look good...the ending had a problem...we need a conclusion or a hook...preferably a hook, which makes the reader want to turn the pages...

Other than that, you were able to drag me in and had me going..what's next...what is going to happen NEXT! slow down the confrontation just a bit...where everyone is pushing her in...add in those details....this person felt this, her reaction was this...and this one did this, her reaction...to build it up slower...just a bit...because it felt a bit fast...boy that was a good scene though...i absolutley loved it.

below are my comments specifically!

"My new roommate, Sorel, says that when she first came here, somebody was tested as a Farris and there was all kinds of a ruckus, only it turned out to be totally mistaken." Betta grinned impishly.

BETTA WAS A The short blond girl , ONE OF and several of the other new students WHO had inexplicably attached themselves to Deah. Through several hours of testing, evaluations and orientation, they had kept popping up to say hi. Now they were following her back to her dorm room.

"Oh no, she's a 'suspected mutant'." WHO SAID THESE SENTENCES I left that information out on purpose. I was trying to give the impression of a bunch of babbling kids and Deah not even being sure (or caring) who said what. There are probably better ways of doing it though.

"I think they should be transfer delayed at least five or ten minutes for that."

"And somebody said that Arat Audnes might be a fair - but didn't finish before the other woman smacked her. I wonder if she was going to say 'Farris'?"

They whooped with laughter around her.

They all dissolved into giggles once again. This bunch of kids got the giggles more than anybody Deah had ever known. She was pretty sure they were letting themselves feed back on each other nagerically. SHE'S SIME, CORRECT? SHE WOULD BE MORE THAN PRETTY SURE...AND QUESTION HERE...HOW MUCH 'SIME' ARE THEY..MOST WOULDN'T NOTICE ARAT'S FLUCTUATIONS REMEMBER, HUGE FLUCUATIONS TO HIM WOULD BE A TINY RIPPLE TO THEM.

"All right you guys, - hey! Be careful, that's fragile." Deah swooped in and rescued a miniature porcelain horse from Betta's grasp.

"It's pretty."

"Give them all to me, I'll put them up here where they'll be safe."

The horse, a pert, prancing bay, went up onto the shelf over the bed.HAS SHE LEARNED TO USE THE AMBIENT YET TO CONTROL THEM? THIS MIGHT BE SOMETHING SHE'D DO...NOT SURE HOW DEVELOPED SHE IS YET.  No, she's a long way from that at this stage. It wouldn't even occur to her until around Chapters 10 and 11.

The young channel blushed, but grinned, pleased to be at the center of attention. PERHAPS...BETTER...WOUD BE...THE YOUNG CHANNEL BLUSHED, HIS FIELD FLUCATING WITH PLEASURE, BELYING THAT HE DIND'T WANT TO BE CENTER OF ATTENTION...OR SOME SUCH...BRING THE NAGER INTO IT

"My dad is with the Border Patrol," he explained, ostensibly for Deah's benefit.

Deah plucked a third horse from a fold of discarded clothing, and inspected it for damage.

"Oh yeah, it was total surprise. They were all fast asleep. There were twice as many troops and volunteers as there were Audnes to capture, too." GO BACK AND CHECK THIS PASSAGE....IF THEY SNATCHED ARAT...AND THEY WERE FARRISES...THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SNEAK UP, TOTAL SURPRISE, EVEN IF THEY WERE ASLEEP....HOZ I THINK IS THE ONE THAT POINTS THAT OUT...THE NAGER OF THE OTHERS WOULD WAKE THEM.

Just then, a new a new nager burst through the doorway. A BETTER WAY...CAN I BE YOUR FRIEND, BETTA ASKED...DEAH STARTED TO ANSSER BUT SUCKED IN A BREATH AS A TINY LIGHT BURST INTO THE ROOM...TURNING TO SEE WHO THE NEWCOMER WAS, DEAHSIMPLY STARED AT THE WOMAN...SHE WAS.... She was a big, bold girl, just beginning to show evidence of the kind of woman she'd become. Oddly enough, though, her nager was small - the smallest channel nager Deah had yet zlinned. The girl stared and zlinned around the room, as if searching for somebody. "Who's the one who told Arat Audnes he has his head up his ass? I want to shake your hand!"NOTE HOW YOU ADD IN DETAILS BY CHANGING...IT'S NOT SO...SO...UM...SHORT? SLOWER SCENES YOU WANT TO USE WORDS TO BUILD THEM...ADD DETAILS...SEE THE DETAILS IN IT...YO USEE DEAH STARTING TO ANSWER, SEE HER REACTION, SHE TURNS TO WHAT CAUSED THAT REACTION AND BING

ROLLED HER EYES IS A CLICHE...GIVE US WHAT SHE FEELS...KEEPING THE CONSTERNATION FROM HER FIELD, DEAH WANTED TO ROLL HER EYES OR DEAH THOUGHT....HER IMPULSIVE... Deah rolled her eyes. Her impulsive speech earlier was sure turning out to be a Big Deal.mORE DETAILS HERE...REMEMBER...ALL THESE KIDS ARE SITTING THERE.SOOO...KNOWING IF SHE DIDN'T FESS UP, THE OTHERS AROUND HER WOULD.... "I suppose that would be me," she said reluctantly. SEE HOW YOU SHOW WHY SHE SAID IT SO RELUCTANTLY?

'I want to shake your hand' was one of those expressions, like 'Well, I'll be jiggered!' and 'It takes two to tango' which most people knew the spirit of, but had no idea what the literal meaning had once been. Deah was startled when the big girl jumped toward her and seized her right hand and elbow, then pumped her forearm vigorously. YIKES! STARTLED..A SIME?! OKAY WE ARE IN TROUBLE HERE....AND SHE HAS NODES...!!! i CAN SEE THE ENTIRE ROOM TAKING A BREATH...AND EVEN DEAH STIFFENING IN SHOCK AND FEAR OR...WHATEVER HER REACTION WOULD BE...

Deah was beginning to realize that along with the smallest nager in New Othwol Sorel also had the biggest mouth. ROFL!!! I LIKE THIS! thanks.

"Think again," said Sorel. She gestured at the others, who were yearning in their direction radiating curiosity. "When you pulled that 'hogwash' stunt you made friends for life. Including me!"

Deah almost protested that she was sixteen, and therefore hardly Arat's age, but that would risk prolonging the already ridiculous conversation. Instead she asked, "Is everybody here as obsessive about hierarchy as you are?"

Sorel clamped a comradely hand around the back of Deah's neck and steered her toward the door. "Welcome to the world of adult Simehood, kid." REMEMBER HOW SENSITIVE THE NECK IS...THIS GEN ALL OVER HER HAS GOT TO HAVE HER GOING CRAZY BY NOW...SHOW US IF SHE IS HAVING A GOOD EFFECT OR A BAD EFFECT....WHAT IS SHE FEELING EVERY TIME THIS TINY FIELD INVADES HER SPACE....IN LITTLE HINTS HERE AND THERE;) Sorel is a channel, but yes.

The Assembly-place was an unfinished auditorium, the stage of which was a natural shortcut from the dorms to the main body of the school. It might hold twelve hundred people when it was finished; now it held about eighty students, along with assorted pallets of construction materials, cranes, ladders, buckets, tools, crates, and heaps of the ubiquitous white plaster dust. The instant Deah stepped onto the crowded stage, she knew Arat was there. She re

This was the largest group of people she'd been in since changing over, except at the train station where there had been an experienced Tecton Donor to protect her from the others' fields.

"What matchup?"

Sorel grinned with relish. "You versus Arat in a game of selyn chicken, of course." THIS IS A GOOD SET UP OF WHAT IS GOING TO BE GOING ON THE REST OF THE BOOK...GREAT WAY TO INTRODUCE IT ALL! LOL!

their contest. Arat's nager, for all its other strengths, would appear to be ill suited to a direct clash.

Deah smiled. OH HEAVENS!!! SHE IS SOOOO BAD!~

- and Arat's shielding dropped away, assaulting her with a ravening Need.

Deah jerked back, reflexively.

In the next instant, he leaped at her, augmenting, in an all-out junct killmode attack. OH WOW! HEE HEE!

--- Now she finally understood the reason for the Assemblies, for the dares. It was the only way a young person could learn what they could expect of their bodies and nagers in response to others - and Deah, brand new to both Simehood and adult interactions, did not know any of it yet.

In fact, after changeover, four days' travel by train, sixteen hours of testing and evaluation, and one abortive round of "selyn chicken", Deah was ready to admit that nothing about adulthood was what she'd expected.

Or... no, the real problem was, she hadn't had clear expectations about any of this. All her life she'd dreamed of becoming a channel and serving the Tecton, but she'd never in her wildest moments thought it might actually happen. It was as if the book of her life had written into it, "and having achieved her dreams, our heroine lived happily ever after" - as if, after changing over, she'd no longer exist.

"Well, that's just foolish," she said to herself.

Because here she was. NEED MROE HERE....DON'T TELL ME IT ENDS NOT TELLING WHAT HAPPENS...THAT LEAVES US HANGING UNLESS YOU PICK UP IN THREE...IF YOU PICK UP IN THREE, THEN I'D SUGGEST A HOOK...SOMETHING LIKE...AND SHE WAS GOING TO PROVE IT...OR SOMETHING TO LET US KNOW IT CONTINUES ON...

now, i should go to bed as i have school, am sick, have a mamogram tomorrw which, if my doctor is to be believed, doesn't look good at all...[note: mammogram came out ok] but you have me definitely wanting to read chatper 3!!!!

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