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of Kaas Baichtal's Sime~Gen Novel, Undertow |
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Cheryl's comments are in green. Kaas' responses are in red. |
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of Kaas Baichtal's Sime~Gen Novel, Undertow |
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Cheryl's comments are in green. Kaas' responses are in red. |
U N D E R T O W
3 - The Awakening
Really GREAT OPENING...CATCHES YOU AND DRAGS YOU IN. GOOD WORK There was only one problem. The students giggled behind their hands. Hajene Doem's bald "Dome" purpled with frustration and Deah's face quickly matched it with embarrassment.
"Deah, you've asked that three times already." REVERSE THE TWO SENTENCES ABOVE...WHY? THERE WAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM....SHOWS US THE PROBLEM AND THEN THE REACTION...
It was also hard on the Donors. A Donor, having only one field, had to match the channel with the same field he or she generated with his or her life functions. The more the channel leaned, the harder the Gen's body had to work to maintain a normal internal balance. While it was natural for a Gen to want to support a Sime, supporting a monstrous First very closely was hardly a natural situation. A Donor capable of such a thing was the equivalent to a marathon runner in constant training - a person whose every bodily function had been subordinated to one overall purpose. JUST AN FYI...THIS ISN'T EXACTLY CORRECT...THEY DON'T FEEL IT... NOT IF THEY ARE SECOND OR THIRD ORDER DONORS AND HAVE NO IDEA THEY AREN'T PERFORMING WONDERFULLY, OTHER THAN THAT IT'S FINE...BUT...SINCE YOU AREN'T TRYING TO SELL THIS IN THE UNIVERSE, I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT.
Needless to say, the majority of the school Donors were not on that level, nor did they have to be or want to be. They had far fewer health problems, as a result.
Householding Frihill symbol.
Light spilled out onto boxes of newly arrived shipping, bundles of mail, and a litter of plaster-spattered nuts and bolts. Deah paused in the doorway of the main office and took it all in in amazement:
A wallpapering rig was set up against one wall, apparently only recently abandoned by its crew. Filing cabinets of every description were crammed together around the rest of the room's perimeter. Some drawers sagged open, bristling with papers. More papers were piled in shaggy mounds atop the filing cabinets, on the floor in corners, and on the desk of a rather harassed looking clerk who was in the process of filling out some forms.
The woman wore the regulation uniform, but way too much makeup and her hair was piled high with falsely red curls. She looked permanently haggard, as if she'd gone to one too many Zhag and Tonyo concerts before the Tecton had ensnared her in gainful employment. OKAY...SEE THIS ENTIRE SECTION...THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT IN CHAPTER TWO...SEE HOW WELL YOU'VE LAID OUT THE PICTURE, PAINTING US A BEAUTIFUL TAPSTRY TO MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE'RE THERE...YOU CAN FEEL THAT HALLWAY ETC....IT'S REALLY A NICELY WRITTEN SCENE...
Was this bravery, in Jeniard? Or was it simply a coward's sidling adaptation to an unbearable situation? Deah realized she was impressed either way. Jeniard would not let the fragile friendship die, dare or no.
a A smile broke out on Deah's face and silently within herself, she too applauded. WHAT A GOOD CHAPTER...YOU HAD ME CHEERING...VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT...I REALLY GOT TO GLIMPSE INTO JNIARD THROUGH THAT....AND I MUST SAY...ABSOLUTELY WOW! Thanks!
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