Cheryl Wolverton's Critique of Kaas Baichtal's Sime~Gen Novel, Undertow Chapter 4

Excerpts from the chapter are in black text. Cheryl's comments are in green. Kaas' responses are in red.

U N D E R T O W
4 - Mutants

To date Arat had avoided every single physical fitness session, resulting in a big fat failure in that department. He didn't really seem to care; in his arrogance he was impervious to the opinions, and the grades, of most of the teachers in the school. LOL, HE IS SO BAD...ONE NOTE THOUGH....WITH THE WAY THEY WERE SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER...WOUDLN'T THAT HURT ARAT? DEAH DOESN'T KNOW ENOUGH YET HOW TO MANIPULATE HIM, NOR DOES ARAT, RIGHT? WHY WOULD THIS TEACHER BE ALLOWED THIS... as I understand it (from studying the novels while trying to define Arat and Deah's character traits) the Farris is reasonably capable of handling disturbances caused by lesser order people when he is in good shape and alert to what's going on. It probably wasn't pleasant for him though. He probably only stuck around long enough to hear what they said about him. AND ARE THERE NO FIRSTS TO RECOGNIZE DEAH AND ARAT? I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT COME OUT YET...I WOULD THINK THERE WOULD BE A REASON THEY HADN'T BEEN 'MUTANTNIZED' YET Actually I put in a number of things about this... in chapter 2 I mentioned the people initially testing Arat and Deah didn't push their theories too loudly because people had recently been in trouble for over-zealous "identification" of mutants who weren't really mutants. Nobody at the school has ever zlinned a Farris (as will come out a bit more in further chapters, but it is stated in this chapter that there is no Householding involvement with the school, which is a problem right there. The staff is not working with the centuries of expertise that the older Householdings have.) As for Deah, this is only Year 13 and the Tigue mutation has not been identified even for Risa and Virenna yet. She doesn't have a hope. work with the Sosu Mileays of the world, or his educational requirements aren't being met. The boy shows every sign of being First Order material - "

"Bloody shen, Doem, he's First Order now. You know full well I'm no Second despite what the paperwork says, and I was perfectly satisfied by our transfer." WAIT A MINUTE...OF VCOURSE HE WOULD BE SATISIFIED IF HIS PAPERWORK SAID SO..NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE...HE COULD BE FULL OF HIMSELF HERE...MAYBE IF YOU HAD DOEM SAY SOMETHING ABOUT KNOWING IT....AND YOU NEED TO SHOW IN THE NAGER WHY DOEM DOESN'T ACCEPT ARAT AS A FIRST...IT'S MORE THAN OBVIOUS HE IS. I think this is just a misunderstanding. Teb Randon is a First. He just hasn't been officially recognized as one yet, hence his comment about "what the paperwork says". Though as a 2nd he has difficulty discerning Arat's potential, Doem is willing to accept that Arat is a First for the sake of argument, as the next line shows.

"Well, that only strengthens my case. A First Order channel should have enough experience and control to work with lesser rated Donors when necessary. You are not helping Arat out by letting him think he can get out of learning to work unsupported."

"It wasn't Mileay that time, it was Donettis," growled Doem. WE NEED TO KNOW WHO THIS IS Donettis isn't a very important character, he's just put in to show that Arat has problems with all Donors, not just Mushy Mealy.

having a bad attitude - but look at yourselves! You perpetually misinterpret his words and diagnoses, twisting them into some sort of attack, when all he is doing is being honest. It's very nearly a joke. When are you people going to get it together and learn that some students are going to be smarter than you, and some students are going to swing more field strength than you, and that's just how the world is? It doesn't excuse you from facing down or teaching such students. Where would I be today if the channels at Imil were scared of a kid with a big nager?" OKAY, I SEE, YOU EXPLAIN HIS MOTIVATIONS HERE.... Deah fumed all the way to Teb's office. ---- When Deah had set about to make herself available to teachers for office help, she'd found them more accommodating than she'd ever dreame

feel like the same person," NO PARENTHSIS HERE (he put his fist to his chest) "because you have the same soul. But the brain and body are those of an entirely different person."

But it wasn't okay.

VERY GOOD....YOU ARE BUILDING UP NICELY HERE...I AM A BIT CONFUSED AS TO WHY HER PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT WOULD AFFECT HER MIND? WHEN ARAT WAS ZLINNING HER...THAT DIDN'T SOUND RIGHT...SOMETHING NOT RIGHT IN THE S/G WORLD....IT WAS MORE THAN THAT WITH TIGUES...THEY WERE SIMPLY SLOWER IN DEVELOPING BRAINPOWER...THEY WEREN'T AS FAST... yes, because they have a 2 year long First Year. I think I made it pretty clear what I meant by physical development when Teb told her all her brain is is chemicals and nerves. I honestly don't see any problem with this but maybe if others see it too.... BUT IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE YOU WERE SAYING ...HEY YOU DON'T HAVE BOOBS YET (THINKING AS A TEENAGE GIRL WOULD HERE) SO YOU AREN'T AN ADULT...MAYBE REWORD IT A BIT WHERE WE SEE IT MEANS MORE THAN FEMALE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.

OTHER THAN THAT, THIS WAS A GREAT CHAPTER.....

CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT ONE!

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