Cheryl Wolverton's Critique of Kaas Baichtal's Sime~Gen Novel, Undertow Chapter 5

Excerpts from the chapter are in black text. Cheryl's comments are in green. Kaas' responses are in red.

U N D E R T O W
5 - The Tengstuns

PLEASE POST ALL OF MY COMMENTS ON THESE CHAPTESR TO SECRET PENS...I DIDN'T KEEP ANY OF THE COMMENTS, JUST DELETING THEM BEFORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT...BELOW ARE COMMENTS ABOUT CHAPTER FIVE.

IT'S A GOOD CHATPER, BUT NOT UP TO THE STANDARD OF THE REST OF THE BOOK...THAT'S EASILY FIXED, HOWEVER...JUST READ THE SUGGESTIONS AND HAVE FUN. YOU REALLY DO HAVE QUITE A TALENT FOR WRITNG.

BLESSINGS.

The student Assemblies continued to be held. The dares continued to be dared. And of course, lectures continued to be lectured.

One day, during a stunningly boring guest-lecture on New Washington Territory military history, somebody dared Arat to take the visiting professor's donation in such a way as to scare him absolutely silly - without anybody ever finding out.

It seemed that Professor Tengstun did not want to donate because of his political beliefs, and he and his wife had been admitted into Sime Territory high-field on a special permit. However, their high fields had caused some problems, and now the professor had been told that he must either donate or leave Sime Territory immediately.

A difficult decision had been made to send Mrs. Tengstun home while Mr. Tengstun donated and continued on with his lecture tour alone. The donation was to happen that very night. It would be tricky, but the instigators of the prank swore they could arrange for Arat to be the one to do it.

Arat pondered the dare for a moment, then excused himself and stood up and asked the professor a question about Gen Territory military history. Upon receiving his answer, he sat down, thought about it for a moment longer, and then accepted the dare.

It was the first time Arat had ever accepted a dare without having to be talked into it. OKAY...REWORK THIS...YOU KNOW I LOVE THIS CHAPTER AND NEARLY PEE MY PANTS EVERY TIME I READ IT, BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T FIT THE FEEL OF BEFORE...WE NEED TO KNOW WHY HE IS ACCEPTING THE DAR...YOU ARE TELLING US HERE, INSTEAD OF LETTING US FEEL IT. SO, MAYBE DO AN OPENING WITH HIM AND JENAIRD WHERE HE IS CONFIDING FRUSTRATIONG AND HE MENTIONS DARES, OR PERHAPS SOMEONE HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT HIS FRUSTRATION OR SOMETHING AND THE SUBJECT OF DARE COMES UP...AND THEN SHOW US THE HIGH FIELD...AS HE TALKS...THE DISRUPTION IT IS CAUSING...YOU TOOK A NAUGHTY SHORTCUT HERE BY TELLING US...SHOW US INSTEAD!!!!! THEN....WE SEE SHEER FRUSTRATION OR WHATEVER ... MAYBE THE FIELD IS DRIVING ARAT CRAZY AND FOR THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE NOTES IT AND HE IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE, ANGRIER AND ANGRIER...AND BOOM, SOMEONE DARES HIM IN CLASS....AND THEN IN A MOMENT OF HUMPH, HE SAY

z "I just have to check your file and fill out a few forms, and then we'll do it, okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." Mr. Tengstun's voice was as clipped and tense as his nager.

killmode attacks."

The professor's eyes locked onto Arat's forearms. "Isn't there supposed to be a Donor working with you when you're around the donors?"

"You know," admitted Arat, "actually there is. But my Donor is a very busy man. He can't watch me every moment. I suppose he would have been here if I'd taken the time to inform him of the occasion... but I find donation by one Gen to one Sime, with no interference from outside, to be much more... uninhibited. Don't you?" OKAY...GO BACK AND MAKE THAT PART OF THE DARE AND THIS WILL WORK FINE...WITH NO DONOR....THAT WOULD BE JUST PERFECT FOR THE DARE...AND YOU KNOW A FARRIS...ARROGANT AND WOULD DO IT

"Sshhh," said Arat, "Please sit down. Let me explain." Mr. Tengstun sat down very cautiously on the only thing available - the transfer lounge. NOPE, HE SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE... Arat kept his distance, which was a Arat spread his hands and tentacles. "I can be completely and one hundred percent honest with you. I have never killed a Gen -" he paused to chose his words more carefully -- " a General class donor GEN yet.[ADD THAT IN SINCE HE HAS KILLED A GEN] I've certainly never had any intentions of killing anybody. Now, if you can just do your part by refraining from any more startled outbursts -"

OKAY..SUGGESTION..HIS TRANSFER WAS OVER TOO FAST...SHOW HIM GET GRABBED...SHOW HIS FEAR, SHOW THE DRAWING AND THEN THE DISENGAGING...MAKE IT A BIT LONGER ...TOO FAST...IT'S A 'FAST' SCENE, BUT WE NEED TO SEE IT DESCRIBED EVEN THOUGH IT IS FAST. ESPECIALLY WITH THE NEXT LINE... Deah and the other students nearly collapsed in relief from suspense. All Deah could think was, thank God it's over. She felt so sorry for that poor Gen. Even the worst lecturer in the world didn't deserve that kind of treatment. SEE...WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF SYMPATHY FOR THE GUY FROM 'THAT TYPE OF TRATEMENT'...ALL WE SAW WAS HIM GRABBED AND IT WASO VER...THE GUY JERKED BACK, HIS NAGER SHRIEKING WITH FEAR....ARAT HELD ON, NOT LETTING GO...AND NOT LOSING IT....DEAH BIT HER LIP, CERTAIN NO CHANNEL COULD SUSTAIN WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ARAT, BUT ARAT DIDN'T MOVE...THE SELYN LEFT..HOW? FAST, SLOW...CONTROLLED?...ARAT FALTERED SLIGHTLY...ALMOST LIKE HE WAS SHATT

But nobody besides Deah seemed particularly impressed. "That sure wasn't up to Arat's usual standards," said Betta. "He could have scared him a lot more than that."

"I can't watch this," said Deah. "It's too cruel!" OKAY...SEE...GO BACK AND EXPLAIN WHAT SHE WAS ZLINNING,S HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ZLIN ONLY A BIT OF SELYN EXCHANGED....SHE'S A FIRST, I WOULD THINK SHE COULD ZLINE IT FROM THE ROOM...

Deah refused to zlin. SEE...BIG MISTAKE...GO BACK AND FIX IT..AND WHILE THEY ARE SEEIN GTHTAT...SHE CAN BE THINKING, OH, HE TOOK SOME OF THE SELYN, JUST A BIT...WOW, IMPESSIVE...AND WONDERING WHY HE DIDN'T, BUT HE DID KEEP THE 'LETTER' OF IT...AND THEN HE STARTS THIS...WONDERFUL!!!! IT'D WORK GOOD LIKE THAT.. And she clenched shut her eyes, until a gasp from Mr. Tengstun caused them to fly open again helplessly. Arat's hands and tentacles had locked into the transfer position on the Gen's arms. "Just leave me alone," she said. "I'll come back in a few minutes. I just have to get some fresh air."

And think of some way to make up for this utterly crippling status disaster.

"You don't have to be embarrassed," said Mepig, although he knew the stakes as well as she. "I understand."

"Stop following me...." Deah let her voice trail off as they hit the wide lobby, and found themselves face to face with none other than Mrs. Tengstun.

Mrs. Tengstun was a tallish, rather portly Gen of middle age. She wore an outdoor coat and floppy hat and carried a purse. Fortunately she had not stopped them to ask where her husband was. Instead, she had just then stood up to inquire of the lobby at large,

"Can somebody show me where the restroom is?"

Deah's quick mind and slower nager shrieked opportunity! OPPORTUNITY FOR WHAT? YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS HERE...WHY IS SHE DOING IT....OPPORTUNITY TO TURN HER EMBARRASSMEENT INTO A SUCCESS AGAINST THOSE JERKS...SPELL IT OUT....OTHERWISE, SOEMONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW SIME/GEN MIGHT NOT QUITE GET IT. Deah and Mepig's eyes met. Their eyes darted to the corridor down which the women's room lay. Their eyes darted to the basket where the blank donation forms waited. Their eyes darted to the waiting Gen. Their eyes met again and Mepig blurted, "You wouldn't!"

DEAH WENT INTO WORKING MODE TO PROTECT HERSELF FROM THE NAGER--REMEMBER, THIS IS S/G SO SPELL IT OUT. LET US SEE THAT SIMENESS IN HER:) "Er... uh, have you considered, you know, giving a donation so you could stay with him?"

"Of course! But...." the woman looked at Deah closely. "You don't know anything about my case?"

Well it will look more impressive to the others, anyway.

DON'T TELL...SHOW...MRS. TENGSTUN DIVESTED HERSELF OF HAT, COAT AND PURSE ..THEN AFTER A SLIGHT HESITATION, TURNED HER BACK TO DEAH. 'THIS IS...

A few moments later found Mrs. Tengstun divested of her hat and coat and purse and the two of them standing back to back.

"This is ridiculous," complained Mrs. Tengstun.

"Just bear with me." Deah groped for, and caught, Mrs. Tengstun's other wrist and pulled them both close enough so that she could get a good grip with hands and tentacles. It felt utterly Then, abruptly, it ended.

The shock of shen threw them apart, and Deah came up hard against a sink, face pressed to a cold mirror, hand braced against the wall. I killed her. I killed! And for a stupid dare! All I was trying to do was take a donation! Paralyzed by shock, and by self-condemnation, Deah could do nothing but stand rigidly and try to breathe and try not to think. ROFL...I'M GOING TO WET MY PANTS! EVERY TIME I READ THIS SCENE I JUST DIE!~! heh heh

"Actually some of those - er, positions - aren't the easiest ones to perform, for the channel," admitted Deah, as she shielded her pulsating eyes with a forearm. Her arm's weight threatened to collapse her head like a frost-damaged tomato. I should be dead. I wish I were dead. SNORT...I AM CRYING...ROFLMAO

"But I can't just go out there alone! Won't they want some kind of explanation...?"

tend to make one woozy. Or was that the aftereffects of having experienced every known form of transfer difficulty known to channeling within a fifteen-minute time span? BREAK TIME FOR BATHROOM! AGH! ROFL!!!

Finally she managed to focus on the words. "Deah seemed rather timid and unsure of herself, but was very kind to me."

Arat picked up the paper and read it. His nager betrayed a stab of alarm which convulsed the watching students in silent giggles once again. OH DERA OH DEAR!

They read it together with utter disbelief. It took some moments. Arat took the opportunity to retreat from their presence and join Jeniard, who had been lurking in anticipation of some serious motherhenning. JENAIRD IS A SIME...WHY IS HE ACTING GEN...THROUGH THIS ENTIRE THING HE ACTS GEN...YOU REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS..PERHAPS HE IS THERE WITH A DONOR IF HE REALLY WANTS TO MOTHER HEN ARAT....OTHERWISE, IT LOOKS REALLY WEIRD AND OFF I'm glad you noticed this. It means I've foreshadowed Chapter 6 - "The Changeling" correctly.

"Arat didn't give you any trouble, did you?" asked Lero suspiciously.

"Thanks," Deah breathed. Nightmares. I just know it. ROFL

Jeniard glared at Deah. "Can't you keep your people under control?"

Deah's eyebrows raised. Before she could say anything appropriate ("Control is Arat's issue, not mine" was on the tip of her tongue) Arat demanded, NO PARENTESIS USE THE DOUBLE -- TO BREAK IT UP -- OR ONE LONG ONE IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT WITH THE WORD PROCESSOR

"What happened to you?"

"Deah took Mrs. Tengstun's donation!" exclaimed Mepig excitedly. "Offered to show her the way to the restroom, picked up the forms on the way out, and wham! The woman comes back low field!"

VERY GOOD ENDING...IT SHOWS THE DIFFERENCES WELL...IF YOU MAKE THE CHANGES i SUGGESTED ABOVE, I THINK IT'LL FLOW SMOOTHLY......AND IT'LL FIT THE STORY...AS IT IS...YOU START OUT TELLING -- PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S AN OLDER PIECE--AND THEN GO INTO SHOWING. SO...JSUT GO BACK FIX THE BEGINNING BY SLOWING DOWN AND SHOWING THE SCENE...AND THEN CONTINUE ON...I MA WORRIED WHY HE, AS A FARRIS, HAS NO DONOR...AS A FARRIS, HE'D BE SHATTERING NOW...SO I REALLY THINK IT'D ADD A TOUCH IF JERNAIRD GRABBED SOMEONET O WATCH HIM....SOMEONE YOU MIGHT 'REFER' TO THROUGH THE STORY AS SOMEONE WHO LOVED HIS FIELD AND WOULD KEEP A SECRET JUST TO WORK WTIH HIM OR SOME SUCH, BUT YOU DON'T NECESSARILY HAVE TO SHOW WHO IT IS;) cAN'T WAIT TO READ MORE! THANKS FOR LETTING ME READ THEM...SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG....IT'S 11PM NOW AND I HAVE TO GO DO SOME HOMEWORK...GASP...AND THEN TOMORROW A MILLION AND ONE THINGS! AGH...BUT THIS GAVE ME SUCH A *NICE* BREAK FROM THE REAL WORD...AND WORK...THANKS FO

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