Ask the Gen of the Week!

Thinking Gen's Literature

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Dear Gen,

I'm having a problem with my Choice Kill. Not only did he refuse to die, now he wants to have sex with me! Sincerely, Tim.

Dear Tim,

This sort of problem is generally a result of poor breeding, and inadequate training back when the Gen was young.

Let's start with breeding. While most Gen breeders are reputable and conscientious, some are not. So-called "Genfarms" produce thousands and thousands of inferior quality Gens with physical problems, undesirable personality traits, and mental defects. Some of them even try to pass off these pathetic specimens as Choice Kills. It's always a good idea to check out the breeder's facility in person before buying. If possible, arrange to meet the mother of the Gen you want to buy as well. Never buy a "Choice Kill" who is drugged, shows obvious signs of injury, or appears suspiciously eager to be killed. Unfortunately, since you have already purchased your Gen, this information will only be helpful to you with regards to future Gens you may own.

Next: Training is an extremely important part of Gen ownership. Just as a dog or a horse requires constant training, so does your Gen. It sounds as if your Gen was taken from his mother too soon, and failed to learn Gen mannerisms and identifies more with Simes instead. He may have also been spoiled, and developed a dominant personality because previous owners let him push them around. Let's get one thing straight right away: your Gen is not a Sime. He needs to learn his place, and your job is to make sure he learns it and starts to act like a Gen.

Unfortunately, prevention is the best cure when it comes to dominant behavior. However, with many weeks of careful work you should be able to curb your Gen's dominant tendencies, particularly if his breeding did not emphasise excessive dominance. The good news is, Gens like Simes want someone else to be in charge. If you can demonstrate that you are in charge, the Gen will gladly follow your lead. I would recommend the following procedure:

1) Do not touch your Gen more than necessary. A Gen will interpret constant physical contact as a form of subservience, and even the stupidest Gen will soon figure out that physical contact allows him better control of your nager. Remember. His nager is stronger than yours is. You can't beat him that way. So don't even get into that situation.

2) Does your Gen tell you when he's hungry? Does he all but grab the food out of your hands? This is not acceptable behavior. Never feed your Gen until you are good and ready, no matter how he whines and snivels. Make him perform a small trick (such as sitting down with his hands clasped on his head) before you put his plate down. Use this method for anything else the Gen demands of you. If you make him perform tricks for what he wants, no matter how trivial, he will interpret you as taking the lead rather than as a servant who supplies what he wants.

3) Experts agree that most Gens who fail to die when killed are a huge pain in the butt. Also, this behavior is nearly incurable. However, there are some documented cases of extreme, sudden fear or pain overcoming the Gens' resistance to dying. If you would prefer your Gen to die while killed, have a friend help you out by whipping the Gen before and during transfer (it would be a good idea to restrain the Gen for this) or you could try releasing poisonous snakes or spiders into the Gen's area shortly before transfer. (This will not work if the Gen's training is so compromised that he actually feels relief and safety when you make your appearance.)

4) Regarding sex after transfer the kill, the simplest solution is to provide an attractive second Gen for your pet kill to enjoy. If the Gen still prefers you, slap his hands away and say firmly, "Bad Gen! No Dinner!" Then push him gently in the direction of his new mate.

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Dear Gen,

Is it pronounced "SELLin" or "seLINE"? Signed, Spelyn Impaired

Dear Impaired,

That depends. Are you buying?

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Dear Gen,

My daughter is convinced she will be a Sime. Does this mean she will be a channel? Signed, Perplexed. P.S. I forgot to mention, at various other times in her life she has thought she was a cat, an alien from another planet, and a steam shovel.

Dear Perplexed,

Sorry it took me so long to respond, I had to look up what a steam shovel was. Did you mean a selyn channel, or a spiritual channel? Maybe your family's health care provider could recommend a good psychiatrist? 

Yeah Baby!

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Favorite questions from previous columns:

oHas there ever been a documented case of Divine Intervention in a Gen surviving an attack by a junct Sime?
oRecently I was offered some minority, nonvoting stock in a private company....
oCan a Sime have two Gens in transfer?
oWho do you think would win between... (Sergi vs. Sergei)
oWhat exactly does "Gen of the Week" mean?
oWhy are there no gay channels?
oIs ronaplin good sexual lubricant?

Plus more! See the Archives

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Questions about manners? Your love life? Tecton politics, or the birds and the bees? Write me!

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